This is a letter to myself. It is part of a "Growth and Healing" project in my therapy group. After spending nearly a week in a psychiatric hospital, I found the main cause for my problems, and now I am on a mission to recover from the past 17 years of oppression and the destruction I have caused myself.




Dear Chris,
I remember the day you came into my life. I watched as my brother died. That was the day you moved in, uninvited. I do not remember much after that day, but by what I have been told, you made many people unpleasant and you hurt me as much as possible. You sabotaged everything I put my hands on, or people that I loved. You would steal from them, you would lie to them, you would disrespect them, you did everything you could to ruin every dream and goal I set for myself. I never had control of you. You ran freely through the best moments of my life, making them the worst moments of my life.

I don’t know why you did this, and I don’t know why I let you do so for such a long time. I can’t understand why someone would make it their goal to destroy another person’s goal. No matter how hard I tried, you were always one step behind me, ready to trip me every time I made a step towards a better life. How can someone find as much joy as you had doing that.

I wish I had been stronger. I wish I could have been smarter. I wish I could have had the power that you had robbed me of. There are many things I wish I could have had. Sometimes I was so close to a goal in my life, that I could literally feel it, taste it, hear it, and see it. But there you were, to snatch it away from me without delay.

I can’t blame you all for this. I knew what I did was wrong. I knew this. I would tell myself that I am a better person than this. I am strong enough to fight you on my own. I was wrong. I needed help, but I was too afraid to ask for help. I did not want to be as weak as everyone thought I was. I know I was weak. I was weak because every time I was strong, you would knock me down, and take that away from me.

However, on this day, this hour, and this minute, I declare that no longer will you control my life. You will never again tell me that I can’t do something and me listen to you. No. You have had control over me for far to long. Sure, I know that you will always be a part of me, but never again will I allow me to be a part of you. Just because you speak, does not me that I must listen. Just because you say that I can not move forward, does not mean I can not take that step. You have for to long hurt those whom I love, you nearly took my life on several occasions, but that will never happen again. I am going to live my life, and I am going to become something where I can make a difference. Something where I can prevent you from hurting another person like you did to me. I am sick of watching people flying up to their dreams, only to see your darkness surround them so that they lose their way.

I have always thought of saying goodbye is a way of saying “I will probably never see you again”, that is why I try my best to say “See you later” when I am talking to people I would like to see again. Since I know that you will always be 2 steps behind me until the day we both run out of life, I will say see you, however, those days that you find an opportunity to sneak in and try pushing me in a direction I don’t want to go, I will dig up every ounce of strength I have in my body, mind, and soul to push you aside, and keep moving forward. When you speak to me, I shall turn my head and listen only to the ones I love. You no longer will have that or any power over me.

Sincerely,
Chris